I actually start to get it, and then it’ll hit me. Wait, they don’t get it. They don’t have the same values, they don’t see the things in life we could have the way I see them.

I was once told that I am very black and white about things, and I have to agree. I want to like school. Or hate school. Preferably like, but the middle area and being unsure of why I’m in this middle area or what this middle area even means is mentally taxing.

I’ve been doing too much thinking lately. I’ve been sick, or.. exhausted.. or something. I think my medication is out of whack, and honestly, it’s kind of about time that I realized this. I’ve been a slug since high school, and as the years go on, it gets harder to deal with. It used to be okay, when I didn’t do much anyway. But I want to go out! My friends aren’t all conveniently in the other room or just across that field anymore. I need to go out just to see people, and I am also realizing how much I actually enjoy the bar scene in New Paltz, as well as that whole college party thing that I was never a fan of for some reason. But anyway, yes. I am happy. I want to do things. I have so much ambition, and then I am too tired to do any of it. Any work, any going out, any exploring the world. That’s really what gets me down, that I know I am missing so much. So almost a month ago it finally was too much. I got to the point where I was doing well, I was staying on schedule, doing everything that I used to just say I would do but really only do it if I suddenly felt like I needed to be doing something. I felt productive. And I was getting closer with Ariana, and reconnecting with Amanda and Maria and all of the lovely NYPIRGies, with BOYS? what? Testosterone = awesome. Not even to date. Just to hang out with, I love it. It’s what’s been missing from my college experience. I love my gay men. But some manliness and innocent flirtation and guy stuff is really great. ANYWAY — all of a sudden about a month ago, the week before Thanksgiving, I couldn’t get out of bed. I was so tired. So so tired. Wednesday I called into my internship sick and figured I’d be better the next day. Nope. I slept all of Thursday, didn’t go to any of my classes, not even the Poughkeepsie Institute which has been my favorite class, and even when I’m lazy, it always catches me during my second wind of the day. Friday, slept all day. I was supposed to go out, Ariana was having a party. Questionable Authorities was playing at Snugs. No, I slept. I went home Saturday, even though it was Eleanor’s 21st birthday! I slept at home. I went back to school, feeling not all that rested, and thankfully came home on Tuesday night for Thanksgiving. Then another week of classes, which started out well and I slept through the end of the week again. Then two weeks of no classes. Do I study? No. Do I do anything? Of course not. I just sleep. It was really pathetic.

This is when I realized, okay, I know this has been a problem for a while.. and it doesn’t seem to be a problem that I can solve. This is ridiculous, I can never get enough sleep. I have no energy. For some reason I started reading about Adderall online and started thinking, hm.. I wonder if Claire was right, maybe I really do have ADD, she is a school counselor after all, she should know something. Adderall. Gives you energy. helps you focus. Treats depression? What? Awesome! Maybe I can take Adderall and ween myself off of my other meds. I doubt this will really happen this way. But for some reason in my mind, taking Adderall and dropping all of my other meds seems like a great idea right now. Of course, if I have a problem and it doesn’t go smoothly, I am going to be royally screwed, so I am a little hesitant. I am happy. What if I get depressed again? The last time I messed with my meds it didn’t end well. That was  2 and a half years ago. Ugh, I hate that there is no exact science to this. Why do some meds work and then just stop? Why does my brain chemistry change so often? Why is it so hard to tell when I’m depressed or when I’m just having a bad day? This whole depression thing is a disease, but the symptoms are not easy to detect sometimes. Why can’t this be easy?

How did this post start? Oh yeah, I hate school. I hate that I am so disorganized that I can’t get shit done. But I love my classes. and I love my professors. I’m trying damnit! I was ON this semester, until right before Thanksgiving.. this best be taken care of.

Holy moly, this post was supposed to be uplifting, but now that I think about it.. I don’t really have much to say. I am getting my wisdom teeth out Friday, seeing Schloss on Thursday.. though I would feel better if I could talk to Catherine before I see him, I don’t trust him to really know what’s right. He knows the science, but he doesn’t always know the reality. I wish this were a more concrete science. “Look — cells are moving in the wrong direction! prescribe these and get some seratonin pumping back over there. Woo there we go. I’m glad they invented this machine that lets us see brain chemistry. We used to just guess that shit.”

Oh well. Wisdom teeth out, more laziness and taking of pills, yay! Hopefully some Port Washington friend bonding. Leslie on Thursday, woo! Ms. Collins next week, woo!

so, what have i been up to? well besides having awesome wine nights with super conversations about life, seeing local bands including the all professor rock band questionable authorities, and bar hopping in my good old port washington..

we finished our documentary. which could have been better honestly, artistically speaking. but content-wise, i am very pleased. our paper is awesome, and i’m so proud of it! i really loved that class and will hopefully be staying in contact with each of my professors. — check out our coverage in the poughkeepsie journal.

also, i have begun to work with hudson river housing, right now at transitional housing, hillcrest house, and next semester in community development. check it outt.

so i’m actually planning on staying in poughkeepsie, assuming i can get a job working in community development through this internship. weird huh? just a few months ago all i wanted to do was get out of here. but now that i’m here, i can’t just start something like this an abandon it!

yesterday was our senate retreat, and i actually did have a good time. that’s what always happens, i dread going to these things, especially this time because i would finally have the room to myself after a week of shoving 3 of us in here, but i always end up with a decent experience. this retreat was a little weird though to be honest. i only went on the first one last year (the dreading it got a hold of me second semester), but it was much more “student government” in my face because more of the executive board was there, and i actually got to bond with them, dissolving my intimidation. this time only one executive board member went, and she was not shy about admitting how much she did not want to be there. there were twelve of us in total, six really good friends, and then six of us stragglers. i feel like i’m in high school right now, not sure where i fit in, second guessing myself. one or two months ago i felt like i knew who i was, i was so excited about doing all different things this semester, my class in poughkeepsie, my internship, NYPIRG, senate.. and yeah, for the most part, i’m getting into things, but it’s up and down. i really took my suite for granted last year, i was so sure that wherever i lived this semester i’d make friends. for the most part, i know i am still good at making friends in all places, but not having that tight group really makes me uneasy, and being a senior, i feel like there’s something wrong with me. i always have this idea in my head that there are certain ways that things “should” be, and that this is not how it should be. but there is no way that it should be. it just is.

anyway, i made plans with jessie and i’m starting to figure out how to plan my time and make sure i see people. this is definitely a learning experience and if i keep telling myself that then i think it’ll be a lot easier. when i start to think i’m doing something wrong is when i start to get down about things, but if i know that i’m just doing what i can and being the best me i can be, wow cliche much?, then i am fine.

off to bed, and shower in the morning!

FOODS TO AVOID*:
potatoes
tomatoes
red peppers

What? tomatoes are bad for you now? Potatoes, yeah, starchy, okay. But tomatoes and peppers? My innocent veggies are being turned into proverbial junk food. I tried to look this up, and I came across tomatoesareevil.com, and apparently it’s some kind of food revelation. I refuse to believe this. I mean, first milk is bad for you. That one wasn’t such a blow to my food intake as it was to my childhood. I’ve been lied to, what do we really know anyway? We’ve been harming ourselves for years with things that we “thought” were safe and turned out not to be. What else are we doing to ourselves? This tomato thing has got to be some wacko food conspiracy theory, but it’s just some food for thought.

*I only included the most devastating ones to me.

so.. things. i volunteered today at the mid-island jcc y with the organization “POB Cares”, which is a program with services for the elderly. they’re a “NORC” which is a “Naturally Occurring Retirement Community”. basically, instead of having to move into some type of nursing home, the organization will come help them in their homes with a nurse, social worker, and/or volunteers to help them run errands and do things around the house that they cannot do any longer. it was pretty interesting, especially because i met two older women, one in her 90′s, who was so sweet and perky, and one who is in her 80′s, yet her health is deteriorating, as is her home around her so let’s just say was not as perky. i can see how this type of work would be draining after a while, it really made me think about the quality of life today. with all of these new drugs coming out, people are living so much longer — but is that really what we want? this woman’s life consists of forcing herself to eat, moving from her bed to her living room, then getting exhausted from all of the medications she is on, taking the medication 3 times a day, which obviously is not perfect, so constantly trying to change her meds to work better, and going to doctor’s appointments. she kept saying, “what’s the point of all of this?” i don’t know if she meant taking the meds/going to doctors, or life in general. but seriously, what is? she’s in constant pain and living all alone, with mostly only her daughter as support. i’m pretty skeptical of the need for a lot of technology, and medicine was the one thing that i always thought was necessary. but at a point, is it really?

i’m reading a book that my mom gave me a book about a personality test, the mbti — myers-brigges type indicator — that i took a while ago. it describes me to a t. i can’t get over it, how does this one fucking test with 16 personality types know me so well??

i’m off to scrounge around for some ice cream or whatever can be found in my parents house, they apparently don’t eat while i’m at school as there is never any food when i’m home! night.